Excuse Me While I Fall Apart

I'm broken..

Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I'm convinced.

The Physical Part:

Today, at about noon, I got masively dizzy. It felt like being excessively drunk AND having preggo morning sickness all at once. Everywhere I looked moved. My body wouldn't stop shaking. Manny actually closed the shop so that he could take me home, Jason followed to take him back to the shop.

I ended up hugging the toilet for about twenty minutes. I got up and ran to the backyard, I was clammy and hot- the cold air felt divine. After collectively retching everything I ate previously I stumbled to the couch... where I stayed for the next ten hours. I'm not dizzy anymore, but undoubtedly weak. My stomach is still in my throat and I feel like poop!

I have been on an antibiotic since Friday. When I called my Doctor, the nurse asked me a few questions, like:

Have you drank any alcoholic beverages recently? (no)

What have you eaten in the last twelve hours? (yogurt-midnight snack, a 9-grain bagel with cream cheese, big glass of milk, bottle of water and large coffee)

Do you have any neurological disorders? (not diagnosed, but epilepsy does run in my family. I had a brain scan when Cierra was first born, they found abnormal action- but did not want to treat because it wasn't necessarily bad. Apparently, instead of firing from right to left, my brain fires from and to both sides jointly). Whatever, they had never seen it before and didn't even have a name for it. I signed the results over to UNM for research and that was that. I always joke, THAT is why I am a spaz.

BACK to my story; The nurse said to stop taking the antibiotic IMMEDIATELY. She said the Doctor would call me before 8... she never did. Bugs (This, my friends, is what happens to healthcare when you DO NOT have health insurance. You get the cheapest drugs and blatant disregard to medical history- nice).


The Mental and Emotional Part

I feel overextended and mentally exhausted.
I am a very controlled person, when I feel not in 'control' of certain elements of my life it makes me absolutely crazy. This is both a downfall and strength. The fact that my house is detroyed makes me crazy! I have a final presentation tomorrow, that I was hoping to finalize today. I was glad to have today 'off' to get better, but I spent it on the couch tryin to get myself from launching every twenty minutes.

My relationship is a definite contributor to this whole thing. I feel like we are stuck. He is too stubborn, stressed or both to be his Old 'Romantic Idiot' self and I am too stubborn and energy-less to give to him when I don't feel full myself... so here we are... STUCK!

Today he actually asked me if I was getting back with my ex-husband. ANYONE who has truly known me for any period time- knows how ridiculous this is! obviously. My ex has actually been quite phenominal lately! It does NOT mean that I have any desire for him what-so-ever.

I think the ex has finally come into his own. I feel like he is really trying to be a good dad to Cierra. She knows NOW more than ever that SHE is her daddy's priority. There was a time, when she would call me every weekend that she was with him and beg for me to pick her up. It absolutely broke my heart.
There were times that his schedule always trumped mine (even though I was hourly and he was/ is Air Force). I feel for once that we are on an even playing field. I don't feel like that part of my life causes me stress anymore. It is refreshing and I am thankful for that... it took a long time.

On the Cierra note: My family forgot Cierra's Birthday- that pretty much bugs. (Accept for my Grandma B, who religiously NEVER forgets that stuff).

I tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and that there are some things I cannot control, it helps a little. I know there's a light at the end of that damn tunnel!
I think a good uninterupted nights sleep without yacking will help as well. SO I am putting down my laptop and giving it a go....